A preacher's new car broke down just after his Sunday service.On Monday morning he managed to drive the vehicle to the town's one garage for repair.''I hope you'll go easy on the cost,''he told the mechanic,''After all,I'm just a poor preacher.''
''I know,''came the reply,''I heard your preach yesterday.''
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A man was dining in a restaurant with his wife and five children.Suddenly he thumped the table and said loudly,''Take your elbows off the table.''All five children immediately obeyed__as did everyone else in the restaurant.
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''You were at the point of death,''the Doctor told the patient.''What saved you was your robust constitution.''
''Well,doctor,''answered the patient,''make sure you remember that when making out my bill.''
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Fllattery:The power to describe others as they see themselves.
Bargain:A transaction in which each party thinks he has cheated the other.
wallet:It is a device that permits you to lose all your valuables at the same time.
Perfectionist:Someone who takes great pains and gives them to others.
Compromise:An arrangement whereby people who cannot get what they want,make sure nobody else does either.

We require no physical fitness program.Why?
Because everyone gets enough exercises in
1.Jumping to conclusions.
2.Flying off the handle.
3.Running down the boss.
4.Flogging dead horses.
5.knifing friends in the back.
6.Dodging responsibility.
7.Pushing their luck.

Discussion is an exchange of intelligence.
Argument is an exchange of ignorance.
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Who gossips to you will surely gossip of you.
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Youth is not a state of life.
It is a state of mind.
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When the mouth stumbles,it is worse than foot.
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He who angers you.conquers you.
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Prejudice is the child of ignorance.
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Success is not a result of spontaneous combustion.
You must set yourself on fire.
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Envy eats nothing but its own heart.
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Brilliant people know how to win an argument.
Gentlemen know how to avoid it.
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The fire you kindle for your enemy
Burn you more than him.
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Three best doctors in the world;
Dr.Diet.
Dr.Quite.
Dr.Happy.
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We cannot always oblige.;but
we can always speak obligingly.
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Never expect gratitude.
In case you get it
Be pleasantly surprised.
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Coming together is beginning.
Keeping together is progress.
Working together is success.
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Cooperation is doing with a smile
What you have to do anyhow.
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One of the greatest source of energy is
The pride in what you are doing.
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Do important jobs now,before they become urgent.
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Working with people is difficult.
But not impossible.
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You never know what you can do,before you try.
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The tongue of a idle person is never idle.
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Leadership is action,not position.
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Soft words never break teeth.
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A smile is a curve that sets many things straight.
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Exaggeration is a blood relation to falsehood.
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Most people do not lack the strength to succeed:
They lack the will.
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People respect for what you are;
Not for you pretend to be.
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Success is never final.
Failure is never fatal.
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We hate some people because we donot know them.
And we will never know them because we hate them.
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When I take a long time,I am slow.
When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough.
When I don't do it,I am lazy.
When my boss doesn't do it,he is too busy.
When I do something without being told,I am trying to be smart.
When my boss does the same,it is initiative.
When I please my boss,it is apple-polishing.
When my boss pleases his boss,he is co-operating.
When I do good,my boss never remembers.
When I do wrong ,my boss never forgets.

''Excuse me,sir.I think I know you.I am sure I have seen your face somewhere else.''
'That is impossible.I have worn it always in the same place.'
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Mother Therasa:You should be happy that God sends you suffering.They are kisses from Jesus.
Child:Then,Mother.please tell Jesus not to kiss me so much.
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Client:A mousetrap please,but quickly,as I have to catch the next bus.
Shopkeeper:Sorry sir,we don't have mousetraps that big.
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Outside a second hand shop:
We exchange everything,bicycles,washing machine etc.Why not bring your husband along and get a wonderful bargain?
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On a motorway garage:
Please do not smoke near our petrol pumps.Your life may not be worth much for you but our petrol is for us.
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An officer while on transfer told about the present place:
''It is so beautiful here in the winter that heaven didn't interest me.And it is so hot in the summer that hell doesn't scare me.''
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Bald man:A person who has a lot of face to wash and very little hair to comb.
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Doctor:I am sorry to say that the cheque you gave me has bounced back.
Patient:It is right,doctor,so has my fever.
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In the corridor of a Govt Office a sign board:
''Don't make a noise.''
Somebody added the following words:
'Otherwise,we may wake up.'
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A man who was in a car accident woke up in a hospital and asked,''Am I in heaven?''
'No dear',reassured his wife,'Don't you see I am here.'
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A man approached the Sufi mystic and requested him to show him how to free himself from the habit of gambling.Without a word,the sufi mystic Sheik Farid rushed to a pillar nearby and embracing it,shouted,''Save me,save me,get me away from the pillar!''
''But''said the man bewildered,''it is you are holding on to the pillar.not the other way around.You can let go.''
''Just as you let go your vice.''said the mystic,''it is not holding you.It is you who are holding it.''

There are only two things to worry about.
Either you are well or you are sick.
If you are well,then there is nothing to worry about
But if you are sick,there are only two things to worry about.
Whether you will get well or whether you will die.
If you get well,there is nothing to worry about.
But if you die,there are only two things to worry about.
Whether you will go to heaven or hell.
If you go to heaven,there is nothing to worry about.
And if you go to hell,you will be so busy shaking hands
With old friends,you won't have time to worry.
So why worry?

THINK......
*A match stick has a head,but it does not have a brain.
*Therefore,whenever there is a little friction,it flares up immediately.
*Let us learn from this humble match stick.
*You and we have heads as well as brains.
*Therefore,let us not react on impulse.
*Always smile.......

A man is born gentle and weak.
At his death he is hard and stiff.
Green plants are tender and filled with sap.
At their death they are withered and dry.
Therefore the stiff and unbending is the disciple of death.
The gentle and yielding is the disciple of life.
Thus an army without flexibility never wins a battle.
A tree that is unbending is easily broken.
The hard and the strong will fall.
The soft and weak will overcome.
-----LAO-TSU

Three horsemen were riding through a desert one dark night when suddenly they heard a voice.
''Dismount,'said the voice,''and take away as much as you can from the desert floor.Tomorrow you will be both glad and sorry.''
They dismounted and as the only things they could see on the ground in the darkness were stones,they picked up as many as they could and putting them in their saddle bags rode away.
In the morning they saw that the stones they had collected were beautiful diamonds.They were glad they had collected so many but sorry that they had not collected more.
The education enriches our lives.While we are young we do not realise what riches we are collecting for ourselves through our studies.When we are older we are sorry we had not studied more.

Every morning in Africa ,a gazelle wakes up knowing that it must run faster than the fastest line or be killed.
Every morning a lion awakes knowing that it must outrun the slowest gazelle or starve to death.
It does not matter whether you are a lion or a gazelle,when the sun comes up ,you better be running.

''My wife has lost her credit card,''the man told his friend.
'Have you informed the bank?'
''No,the thief is spending much less than my wife.''

There was a boy who was very quick tempered.One day his father gave him a bag of nails and a hammer.''Hammer a nail into the fence every time you lose your temper.''he said.So every time the boy blew up his top,he would go out into the garden and hammer a nail into the wooden fence.This practice made him acutely conscious of his bad temper and he began to make attempts to control it.He found himself putting fewer and fewer nails into the fence each passing day and one evening he realised that he did not have to go to the fence even once.
The next morning he gave the balance nails and hammer back to his father,telling him he did not need them any more as he had learnt to control the temper.
''Very good,''said his father,''now pull out all the nails from the fence.''
The boy spent a greater part of the morning pulling out the nails.He finally accomplished his task.He gave the nails to his father.
''So many!''said the man,''come on,let us see what they have done to the fence.''
Together they examined the holes left by the nails in the fence.
''Anger may die down,''said the man to his son,''but the harm it has done does not vanish so easily.It remains like these holes.''
It was a lesson the boy never forgot.His volatile temper was not easily tamed,but eventually he developed a calm and peaceful disposition.

A well known speaker began his talk by holding up a 500 rupee note.He asked his audience,''Who among you would like to have this 500 rupee note?''Several hands went up.He crumpled the note and then asked,''Who still wants it?''The same hands went up again.He dropped the crumpled note on the ground and ground it with his heels and then asked who wanted the dirty note.The hands went up again.
''My friends,''the orator said,''No matter what I did to the money,you still wanted it because the note did not decrease in value.Similarly many times in life we are treated shabbily by people,fate and circumstances.They may grind us to dust.But always remember,like the 500 rupee note ,you never lose your value.''
BELIEVE IN YOURSELF.

Speaking without thinking may treble your troubles.A man was caught stealing a bag of onions and taken before a judge.The judge gave him a choice of 3 punishments.
**Eat the onions he had stolen in one sitting.
**Submit to 100 lashes of the whip.
**Pay a fine.
The man said that he would eat onions.He began with enough confidence.But after eating a few,his eyes began to burn,his nose started running and his mouth felt as if it were on fire.
''I can't eat the onions,''he said,''give me the lashes indeed.''
But after he had received a few strokes he began to turn and twist to avoid the whip.
''I can't bear it!''he streamed finally.''I'll pay the fines.''
So he paid the fine and was let off.But he became the laughing stock of the city for having taken 3 punishments for one crime.

1.Bobsmith,my assistant programmer,can always be found
2.hard at work in his cubicle.Bob works independently without
3.wasting company time talking to collegues.Bob never
4.thinks twice about assisting employees and he always
5finishes given assignment on time.Often bob takes extended
6.measures to complete the work,sometimes skipping coffee
7.breaks.Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8.vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9.knowledge in his field.I firmly believe that Bob can be
10.classed as a high calibre employee,the type which cannot be
11.dispenced with.Conseqeently,I duly recommend that Bob be
12.promoted to executive management,and a proposal will be
13.sent away as soon as possible.
A memo was soon sent following the evaluation;
"That idiot was reading over my shoulder when I wrote the report sent to you earlier today.
Kindly read only the odd lines 1,3,5,7....for my assessment of him.

Add your friends
Subtract your enemies.
Multiply your joys.
Divide your sorrows.
With God as centre
And love as radius
Draw a circle of your life.

A hunter came across a human skull in the forest.'"What brought you here?",he exclaimed.To his horror and amazement,the skull began to speak.
'Talking brought me here',it said.
The hunter ran to the ruler of the country and said that he could show him a talking skull.
The ruler was skeptical but accompanied the hunter to the forest.When they came to the skull,the hunter commanded,"Tell us,what brought you here?".There was no reply.The hunter asked the question again and again and pleaded the skull to reply,but it remained silent.
The ruler was furious.He ordered his soldiers to behead the hunter and this was quickly done.
When they had gone,the skull asked the dead hunter's head,"What brought you here?"
"Talking brought me here,"sighed the hunter's head.

1.Wealth without work
2.Pleasure without conscience.
3.Knowledge without character.
4.Science without humanity.
5.Business without morality.
6.worship without a sacrifice.
7.Politics without principle.
~Mahatma Gandhi.